Three Steps to Better Relationships

We could all stand to improve our behavior in our relationships. Even people in happy and satisfying relationships often have dips where they are feeling less fulfilled or are forgetting to put into practice the skills every relationship needs. Here are three steps to help you improve the relationships in your life.

1. Listen better

It's easy to list techniques to improve your listening skills but putting those skills into practice is another story. We are often so distracted by our phones or other thoughts that we only half-listen to our partners. Or we're so caught up in thinking about what we want to say in reply that we forget to give them our full attention.

Truthfully though, good listening only requires a couple of easy skills.

First, show the person that you're interested in what they're saying. You can do this by asking open-ended questions (questions that don't have a short, easy answer), and displaying non-verbals we associate with listening, like eye contact, nodding, and a short "uh huh". Second, when responding, validate the person's experience. You can do this by offering a quick summary or just mentioning how something the person said makes sense to you, such as "I can see why that was really frustrating" or "it sounds like you had a really nice day." Be careful not to offer advice unless the person specifically asks you for it (or it's your child and you have a safety concern). While we have good intentions when we do this, it often leaves people feeling that we believe they aren't capable of solving their own problems.

2. Set aside time to purposefully connect

It's easy to get caught up with the busy schedule of life and forget to make time for your relationships. Making time can be as simple as calling someone on the phone while you take your dog on a walk, sitting down with your partner after dinner to talk about your days, or setting aside 15 minutes each day for you and your child to have one-on-one time with an activity of their choosing. One common mistake that we all make (myself included) is not devoting 100% of attention during this time. We often fall into the trap of checking our email or our phones and the connection doesn't feel as meaningful as if we would have waited the short 15 or 20 minutes to finish our activity. And let's be honest, emails and social media aren't so pressing that they require us to check them every 15 minutes.

3. If you have a complaint to bring up, phrase it properly (without blame)

This one can be tricky, particularly if you think the other person really is to blame (or insert other criticism here). An easy way to remove blame from a complaint is to describe an action, rather than a quality. Be sure to remember these three points: 1) describe the action or situation, 2) say how it affects you without blaming or criticizing, and 3) ask for what you would like or need out of the situation. For example, if you're feeling annoyed that your partner forgot to pick up something at the grocery store on his/her way home, instead of saying "I really hate how forgetful you are!", say "You didn't pick up the butter on the way home like we talked about and now I can't finish cooking dinner. Could you please run to the store and get it so I can finish dinner?" If the order of the three pieces feels a bit awkward, but another arrangement feels more natural, go with it. The most critical part is for your statement to be free of blame or criticism.

Putting these three steps into regular practice into any relationship will help boost both relationship happiness and connection. Try putting these techniques into practice for a week and see what improvements you notice!